Beary Manly

Chest hair is a good thing. It sets you apart from the effeminate bodies of the 98-pound weaklings on the beach. It’s an the fact: women are attracted to masculine man with high levels of testosterone, and chest hair is one of the main ways you show it. (Thick facial hair can be, too, but that ebbs and flows. Rather than a full beard, you may be better off with a mustache. Hey, it’s worked for Tom Selleck all these years, right?)

That evolutionary impulse has its limitations, however. Hair where it’s not supposed to be – on the back, for example – pushes potential mates away. The lesson here is this: if you want to meet girls at the beach this summer, get rid of that rug on your back.

So, how do you do it? Well, if you’ve seen 40 Year-Old Virgin, you know that waxing isn’t just for women anymore. Waxing works like this:

1. Spread a thin layer of hot wax material over your back hair.
2. Apply a cloth strip to the wax.
3. Rip it off in a quick fashion.
4. Scream like the little schoolgirl you are.
5. Repeat every 2-8 weeks.

Sure, there are similar methods that use things like honey and sugar, but trust me, it’s still not a sweet process. It hurts like hell, and has to be done every few weeks.

There are chemical peels that you can use, too. Some guys will have a severe rash as a result. You can shave, of course, but unless you’re only going to the beach for a single day, this is probably the dumbest way to handle it.

You can also look at more aggressive back hair solutions. There are things like electrolysis and laser removal. Laser hair removal tends to be cheaper than you might think. It also takes several sessions, so if you want to get some sweet beach time in without looking like a medieval rug dealer slogging your wares on your back, you should get moving on it now.

Seriously, dude. Don’t wind up finding your pic on Facebook in front of a “no bears allowed on beach” sign. Competition is stiff in the sand, and that back hair is going to send the message that either you don’t care how you look, or you’re too stupid to realize just how unattractive that back hair is. Either way, those beach babes are going home with someone else.